I was angry on Wed. Angry at God. I have sought and pursued knowledge, wisdom and understanding with fervency. I have made decisions and taken massive action in the directions I feel he has led me. I have been met with disappointment and unsure results at every turn. I got mad. I listened and weighed my decisions based on his word and I only reaped more pain and confusion. I was pissed off on Wed. I gave up on Wed. Why doesn't God care? Why is it only about him and his glory? I didn't ask to be created. Why would he create us in his image along with desires to become creators and I only create chaos? How come faith seems so impossible?- Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart-All things are possible to him who believes-What do you believe, when what you put your faith in continues to fail you?
The Bible compares Gods love for us to that of a Father to his children. If my girls continually sought my guidance and direction would I hide myself from them and allow them to make decisions based on what they thought I told them? NO I wouldn't! I want answers. I told God if he cared and I was his child to come to me in my dreams. I demanded my appointment with God like Job had. Even if it turned out like it did for Job and he steamrolled me and my ideas. I woke Thursday with no dream and no hope that God cared for me. I felt like everything I had been taught, believed and taught others was wrong. I missed the boat somewhere. I wasn't angry anymore. I was indifferent. I went through most of the day in a complacent zombie like state with outbursts of anger towards any inconvenience. Towards the evening time I started to "lighten up" a little and started to do a little searching for some answers and I just happened upon a few videos and blogs that changed my state immediately. By the time I was ready for bed I felt better than I had all day. Then I awoke at 3 a.m. and started writing. This is what I wrote: (I am copying exactly from journal)
God just came to me in my dream-or while I was sleeping. (as one of my former Pastors) He met me at a meeting, with a bunch of people I don't know-and some I did, my dad (who was being sued), my uncle, my wife-who was sitting with me and a bunch of crude foul mouthed guys. Then the meeting was over. My mom was their also. And then I was with him. I didn't know it. He was asking me questions-why I don't like him, why I don't listen, why am I lying to him, why I don't like his teachings, what is wrong, where have I been? During this time he was asking questions, I was continually distracted by my daughter, we were doing some kind of magic show, I continued walking to my house-I didn't know it was God-I didn't know. I woke up after he asked me a question I can't remember completely but I know what my answer was.
"You only put on a show to get people to like you-not as bad as Joel Osteen but the same idea."
I thought it was my former pastor. I was thinking Camryn had called him about the way I had been acting. Immediately when I woke up, I realized I had got my meeting with God. The meeting I had demanded and I blew it with my pride, arrogance, and refusal to tell the truth. He was pelting me with questions-the ones I want answered and I didn't even see it. I was more worried about the way I looked and the things going on around me to see God sitting right in front of me. I blew it....
I woke up at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat. I was scared and heart broken. I didn't recognize him. As I relive this experience in my head I am awe struck with a few things in particular.
1. God didn't come as a whirlwind, steamroller, or big scary monster but as someone I trust and look up to.
2. The questions he asked were all asked in a way that led to him asking me what he could do better. (what could God do better?)
3. I was distracted by my daughter not by something evil or ungodly.
4. He came and met me where I was at.
5. The pain I saw in his face when I answered the final question will be imprinted on my soul forever.
6. I did not recognize him
As I began this day......I know God cares and loves me. I might not have the answers to all my questions. But I do have the answer living inside me- He has been there the whole time.
Joshua 1:9 Lien
